My baby turns one today…

How this is making me feel, and how you can process your own feelings about your babies growing up

My second son turns one years old today.

That means he is technically no longer a baby. He is 12 months old – a toddler.

It is weird how that distinction is seemingly made overnight.

One day, he’s a baby, and the next, he is not.

But, he will always be MY baby.

My oldest is 3.5 years old, and I still feel like he is my baby.

And they both will always be my babies!

My little one has grown up so much in just one year.

Did you know the first 2 years of a child’s life is when they do the most growing and developing?

Besides the first 10 months in the womb, of course.

But during the first 24 months of a child’s life, they reach several emotional, physical, and mental milestones, at a much faster pace than in any other time period in their life.

So when it feels like your baby is disappearing at a faster pace than you can process, it is not just you – that is what is actually happening! Babies can learn new skills overnight – once something “clicks”, they are like a new person, a new version of themselves.

It is the wildest experience.

This experience has been a little different than with my first.

With my first son Oden, I was so ecstatic every time he reached a milestone.

It was my first time seeing my baby grow up and it was honestly just so exciting and happy to see him grow and learn new things!

But, he was also a little delayed in some of them – he got teeth at 9 months, crawled at 11 months, walked at 17 months, and started talking more at 20 months.

Ryker crawled at 6 months and walked at 11 months.

So, not only is it more sad with my second baby, especially since he may be my last baby (more on that in another post), but he is reaching milestones way faster, and my mama heart is not ready for it.

At the same time, there are things to look forward to…

Ryker was not an easy baby. He constantly needed to be held, and was a terrible sleeper.

Two things that made life with him and a toddler very difficult.

I lost myself for a long time.

My life revolved around how I could keep him content and how I could get him to sleep.

I was constantly sleep deprived and completely touched out.

I would have to wear noise cancelling headphones when I pumped, because the 20 minutes of not holding him seemed just tortuous for him, and he screamed unconsolably the entire time.

And, if you have ever pumped, you know how the hormones flow from the stimulation, and everything is 100x more irritating and emotional.

Finally at six months old I ditched the pump and went to exclusively breastfeeding.

And, he was such a terrible sleeper, and although we coslept with him in a bedside bassinet, he ended up almost every night in our bed, because that was the only way I was getting enough sleep to function the next day as a mom of two.

Finally at seven months old I ditched the bassinet and set up his crib and nursery. I wasn’t exactly ready to sleep train, but I was ready for something.

Now, at a year old, he spends every night in the crib and is able to be put to sleep in there and spend all night in there.

He doesn’t yet sleep through the night, and he still breastfeeds at night, but it’s a start!

I look forward to him growing up with his brother.

Now that he is older and mobile, and understands games and other interactions, it is easy to see how they will play together. It is so cute to see them work on something together.

Although, the peace doesn’t seem to last long.

With the two and a half year age gap, Oden gets frustrated at what Ryker can’t understand, and then the pushing and crying starts.

Oh well, one day, right?

How I am dealing with all these feelings… and how you can too

A lesson I learned long ago when it comes to grief, anxiety, guilt, basically any feeling that can seem completely overwhelming…

Let it come.

And let it consume you.

Let yourself feel it. All of it.

Because the more you push those feelings away, the harder they will come slamming back, when you least want them too.

Embrace those hard feelings, fully, and let yourself sit in them. Acknowledge all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the memories.

Let the tears come.

And, after you have felt all the feelings, I promise you, you will feel a thousand pounds lighter, more confident, and more at peace with what you are facing.

Our kids growing up is a fact of life, and just know that every mother that has ever existed, and will ever exist, will go through this same thing, to some extent.

You are not alone!!

And, while it may seem like your baby is gone forever, remember they are not.

They are still inside that little mind and body that is growing bigger each day.

An analogy that has helped me immensely is this…

Age is like layers, not levels.

They don’t necessarily “level up” on their birthday – become a new person with their new age.

But, they receive a new layer.

And this layer develops all year.

With every lesson, experience, and milestone, their layer develops.

But, their previous layers are still there, forever.

So, even though your little one may no longer be that rolly polly six month old with tiny teeth poking through their smile, know that that version of them is still inside them, forever.

So, when people say that their babies will always be their babies, it isn’t just something sentimental – it is TRUE!

Your baby never goes away – they are always there, inside, in another layer or version of themselves.

I hope this post has helped you…

Because I know reading this when my first son turned one would have helped me immensely!

Although, I am 1000 times more emotional this time around – is this a second baby thing??

As always, catch me on my Instagram, @bryanathatboymom.